My take on several doomsday scenarios

Everyone seems to be terrified of nuclear war, but I believe that there's an upside to a nuclear holocaust. What possible upside, you ask? Well -- If science has taught me anything, it's that Earth will simply absorb all the energy directed toward it, and will be instantaneously promoted to a higher orbit, most likely outside of Saturn's. Also, if I understand correctly, this orbit will be much more exciting than our previous orbit, and will undoubtedly involve many parties and a large excess of beautiful women.

If you don't get why all this is true, then bone up on your physics.

Speaking of end-of-the-world scenarios, last semester, Craig and I were talking about alternate strategies for dealing with earth-bound asteroids. The whole send-a-rocket-to-blow-it-to-smithereens thing is way too overplayed, bu I've got a better idea, and it's simple...

Hamburgers.

Yeah, that's right: Hamburgers. How does this solve the problem of a massive rock hurtling toward us at unspeakable speeds? Well, simple -- The current world population is about 6.5 billion, so it's safe to assume that it will be 8 billion by the time this plan would come into action. So that means, at any time, half the population (4 billion) would have a line of sight with any approaching interstellar object. All we'd have to do is organize it so that everybody on one side of the Earth -- the side facing the world-obliterated asteroid -- had a hamburger. Everyone would wait until just the right moment, and then some dude from NASA would yell "NOW!", and everyone would throw their hamburgers into the air at the same time. The 4 billion hamburgers, each weighing about a quarter pound, would make for one billion pounds of minced meat hurtling towards said asteroid. I mean -- I don't have time to work out the calculations, but that is a lot of freaking meat. I'm sure it would deflect an asteroid...

But hey -- If it didn't, then we could simply fall back on the alternate plan, which would involve a few people throwing spices and seasoning into the air. These would combine with the hamburger and intense heat before falling back down to Earth, where we would all enjoy delicious tacos in the moments before we were purged from existence.