this is my dull life. this is my dull life on drugs. this is a haiku.

Friday, March 10, 2006


As I was walking up the enclosed stairwell in the library, I saw this guy who looked a little familiar. I passed him, trying to place his face, but it wasn't until I was headed up the next flight of stairs that it came to me.

"Hey," I called out, leaning across the railing overlooking the stairs below, "Didn't you fall through my deck last semester?"


"Yeah, you fell right through the railing and landed on your face."

"Oh. yeah... I was pretty drunk."

You sure were, you big, fat party animal, you... and quite a jerk, if I remember correctly, though I didn't say this part out loud. Had he been able to even stand upright that night without falling into a kiddie-pool, he probably would have been deemed fair game and had his ass kicked six ways past Sunday. I don't even understand that expression, but I'll assume that it means "kicked really freaking hard".

On a related note, the whole reason that I was in the library in the first place was to check out a few more books. I happen to have a lot of books out at the moment, so as I checked out these extra two, I asked what the limit was.

"There isn't any limit on the number of books you can sign out," said my good friend Library-Patrick.

"Whoa whoa whoa. No limit? As in, there's nothing in the library code that allows you to prevent me from signing out as many books as I want?"

Reluctantly, "No..."

And that, my friends, is a lack of foresight of the highest degree. And it got me thinking. I walked over to the public computers, and did some quick research. From what I can tell, there is absolutely no Guinness world-record for the most library books signed out at once. None.

Given the library loophole that seems to be present, I can outright plunder the library -- like some type of goddamn library pirate -- and there's absolutely nothing those stinking library beaurocrats can do about it! OK, that's unfair... there was no need for the "stinking" comment, because all the library folk seem rather pleasant...

But the point is that I can plunder! -- PLUNDER, I SAY! Plunder and pillage and plunder some more -- just like real library pirates would do, were they to exist! And then they'll put my name in a big book, where it will live for all eternity. Or at least until some other knavish library pirate pilfers me bounty. Ahem. My bounty... My fame.


All pirating aside, I think I'm going to email Guinness World Records to see if the record actually exists.