this is my dull life. this is my dull life on drugs. this is a haiku.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

An all-encompassing theory of public defecation

Warning: This post uses the word "poop". Deal.

I have a theory. I think that, when in a public restroom with other people, everyone pushes harder when either the faucet started running, the hand-dryer starts going, or another toilet is flushed. Maybe not on purpose, but I think your subconscious goes "Sweet merciful Jesus! Ambient noises! Jump into action!"

When it's utter silence, with just me and some dude sitting not three feet to my left, with nothing but sheet-metal and two thin coats of 1970s-era lead-based paint between us, I just can't do it.

I used to think that I might have been the only one, but then yesterday, I found another. Just me and him -- all the above-mentioned criteria fulfilled -- and neither of us did anything for like 10 minutes. No one came in to break the deadening silence which, on top of being awkward, is odd since mid-day library bathroom traffic is normally pretty high. (Look, I'm a library junkie... I know these things.) So usually I just wait for the buddy next to me to move on, but he was clearly thinking the same thing as me.

Sadly, he won the stand-off. I just left and came back later. I'm not bitter though. He was a worthy adversary. Besides -- my legs were starting to fall asleep... what else was I gonna do?

Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know... I realize what you're thinking: "This kid's a wiener," "This guy sounds like a girly-man," "This dude has deep-seeded pooping issues," -- And hey -- All valid points. But the fact of the matter is, I just can't. Some of you may be blessed with the ability to poop on command without regard for time or place, and for that I envy you, but I lack that capacity. End of story.