The mother-effing update! Bitches.

WARNING: Do not be discouraged by the length of this post. Gimme a break, it’s been awhile since the last. And it’s aaaaaaaaall good! -- Picture a large black man saying that last line and it’s sooo much funnier… at least I thought it was…

I am writing this post in Microsoft Word, in the hopes that someday I might be able to put it up onto the presently illusive (at least to me) interweb. Mayhap someday I’ll be able to get it to you, oh faithful reader, perchance through the use of a floppy diskette which can be spirited away to the library for uploading, or perhaps with a USB stick. Yet until then, it shall sit on my hard-drive, dreaming of the day on which it will be posted.

If you haven’t guessed, I am internetless. Yes yes… Sad. I know. But right now, there are many other things that rank higher on my get-it-the-fuck-paid-for list. You see… I happen to be broke. Dead broke. The good thing is that I’ve got money coming my way. There’s the money for doing canteen, my tax refund (funny story on this later) and my first pay-check. These are probably the only things that allow me to laugh at my situation… as opposed to cry, that is. I’ve got a meeting with Darren (works at Housing) to sort out the canteen stuff tomorrow, so hopefully that’ll fix my problem.

So I’ve been living the poor life recently, and that’s why I haven’t been posting or anything. I didn’t ever end up living in a box, but this is pretty damn close. Here’s how it’s going: Maybe all you guys who have had apartments before, maybe you know this, but I didn’t… Apparently rent is due at the beginning of the month. So yeah, I owe Bert (sharing a house with him) $150 for damage deposit, and $375 for rent. Plus I have to pay my phone bill. If I had known how little money I was going to have, I definitely wouldn’t have bought that digital camera a week before school ended!

So yeah, I am severely malnourished too. I survived 3 or 4 days off of canteen leftovers (ie. peanuts, popcorn, chocolate bars, and 2 bags of chips). I lived out of suitcases at Lovell’s for a week, sleeping in his cold, unheated basement on the couch. Bert and I got to move into our place on Sunday. -- Gah! I’m getting off-track. Our topic sentence clearly tells us that this paragraph is about “malnourishment”, so I’ll deal with that. I’ve been making scattered groceries purchases for the past week, and by “groceries” I mean peanut-butter, butter, and bread. Lots of fucking bread. If I’m short on every other nutrient, at least I’ve got fibre. (Psst… fibre helps you poop.) Hey, the only thing worse that dying of malnutrition is dying of malnutrition while irregular. I eat toast for breakfast, peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, and leftover chicken (soon to run out) and more toast for supper, with water as my only beverage. Nothing screams “variety” like bread and water! Oh wait… it’s Baskin Robins ice cream that screams “variety”… I believe bread and water screams “prison” or “detention facility”. And guess what I’ve got for snacks! Peanuts! Canteen leftovers, of course! I believe my diet covers one-and-a-half food groups. Maximum. Is peanuts a food group? Let’s hope. This is what’s making me regret buying that camera. Because camera doesn’t help me live. Food does.

Ooooh, oooh! Ok, ok, Funny story! Funny story! This emphasizes how poor I am. Before my parents went away to a wedding in Puerto Rico -- Their out-of-the-countryness making it so that they are unable to help me financially, I might add! -- so right before that, my dad mailed me the papers to sign so that I could get my tax refund. Since he was even generous enough to send me a self-addressed envelope, all I had to do was sign said papers, and the proverbial check would be in the mail. I got them a few hours ago, and biked down to Shoppers’ Drug Mart to pick up a stamp and send it on its way. So I go inside, and kindly said “A single stamp, please.” The girl on cash just laughed when I asked to pay for the 50-cent stamp (58 cents with tax) with my debit card. I joked about being poor and worrying that it wouldn’t go through, but in all seriousness, I though I had at least $3. Clearly, I believed myself to be rolling in the cash! So yeah, when INSUFF FNDS came up, I felt ridiculous. “You lose Patrick,” said my inner monologue and the Bank of Montreal in unison. Do you realize how ironic it is that I couldn’t afford the 50-cent stamp that I needed to get back my $830 dollar tax rebate?!?! THIS IS HOW POOR I AM! But the kind cashier girl felt bad, so she bought me the stamp and I went along my merry way.

Speaking of people being nice -- On the first day of work (Monday), I was joking about how broke I was with this guy who I work with. He’s an older fellow and has come from Sri Lanka to Newfoundland to do his Ph.D. work. So anyway, the next day after that he comes in and has made some crazy Indian-type sandwich thing for me. I mean, how cool is that?? I was sketchy about it at first, cause it was green inside and he said it was “spicy”, but it turned out to be pretty good! He brought another today, but I told him not to bring any more… cause -- hey -- I’ve still got my dignity. I’ll eat dog-food (which is supposed to be fairly nutritious, I hear… hmm…), before I start accepting charity on a regular basis!

Again, sorry for the lack of contact people! I swear I will get right on top of this talking-to-everyone thing as soon as possible. Maybe I’ll start scheduling in library time to use the computers… who knows! First things first though, as I’m sure someone always used to say (no one I know). Money, then friends. Wow, that came out wrong, but you all know what I mean! I love you guys! *Pat gives everyone playful noogies* *Except Coleman. Coleman doesn’t get a noogie because he smells.*

To bed, says I!